Ask Dr. Van Pelt

Philip's latest forays into racist diatribe on The Southeast Texas Political Review have been the subject of some concern here at the Eagle's Nest. For years now, we have presumed that Philip just flat out doesn't like minorities (or anyone else for that matter). But his latest comments clearly indicate an open hostility for people of ethnic backgrounds other than those created from the extensive inbreeding of ancient Slavs.

We tried to get our own Dr. Van Pelt to examine some of Philip's latest comments, but unfortunately, she was attending the annual Conference for Really Smart People in Helsinki.

So, as a special favor, noted sexual therapist and former Israeli sniper, Dr. Ruth Westheimer, has agreed to take a look at some of Philip's statements:

You white people are fixing to get a true education on the black man and what he can do with money and lawyers. Lie, cheat and knock buildings down. What a great example for our "childrens" of the district.

"It is quite apparent to me that Mr. Klein here is suffering from a serious anxiety disorder. The fact that he purposefully accuses all black men of lying and cheating clearly indicates to me that he has a small penis.

We know we live in a county...where the black community is changing history in front of the publics [sic] nose by lying and cheating.

"Once again, Mr. Klein is overly concerned with the way a particular minority is effecting local history. Vague and generalized accusations are an almost certain sign of a small penis."

Call me rascists

"Philip's constant references to himself in the plural form as opposed to the singular are telltale symptoms of deflated self-esteem disorder (DSED). A condition common in individuals that engaged in excessive pre-pubescent masturbation of a small penis."

"In summary, it is apparent that Mr. Klein's anger towards those of other races can easily be tied into his multiple divorces. The failure of a man to satisfy a woman sexually often results in angry and hurtful comments aimed at those that he feels might threaten his own masculinity. And the fact that he has a small penis doesn't help."