Eastman Chemicals Announces Change in Direction

KINGSPORT, Tenn., Dec. 10, 2009 – Eastman Chemical Company announced today that it has decided to reexamine its Beaumont, Texas, industrial gasification project in light of some recent, unexpected discoveries.

"We never expected to find such a vast source of natural gas, much less one that could be tapped so cheaply. All he needs is a few hundred pounds of sausages and he's ready to go." Said company spokesman Mark Bogle.

Anonymous sources who didn't call the Review late last night said that the recent discovery of a virtually unlimited source of methane gas in Nederland, Texas prompted the company to change its decision regarding the gasification project.

"If you had told me that a human being could create so much methane, I would have called you a liar." Said Dr. Itzak I. Prilmon, head of gastroenterology studies at the University of Helsinki.

Scientists are indeed puzzled and perplexed at the gasification capabilities of Nederland resident and editor of The Southeast Texas Political Review, Philip R. Klein.

'I'm not surprised." Said a caller to the Review. "The man is full of shit!"

Using a secretive process combining pig vomit, roadkill, and many of the herbs and spices found in Kentucky Fried Chicken, technicians at Eastman Chemicals, have developed a process that harnesses the energies created when Philip Klein, speaks, types, or attempts to formulate an original thought.

"Its difficult to discern between Philip thinking and defecating, but the results are generally the same." Noted Dr. Prilmon. "We are able to capture both the energies and turn them into a virtual unlimited supply of gas."