And Now.......A Special Message from an old friend....

Dear Philip,

While I usually don't do this, I feel it is appropriate that I respond to the numerous letters you have sent me over the past few months and address several of your requests/demands. It is once again unnecessary for you to threaten litigation in this matter as the judge has previously ruled on several occasions that he does not have jurisdiction over me nor my organization.

With regard to your request for "tha reely kool sooper dooper thingee that kan here piple telking reely fer awey.", I assume you are referring to a parabolic microphone. Unfortunately, these devices are reserved for government agencies and are unavailable for private citizens. The credentials you supplied were incorrect and you mispelled "DIRECTOR OF THE FBI."
As to item number 216: We are both unable and unwilling to infect the entire staff of KFDM with syphilis.
Item number 432 appears to be a request for the "ring from the Lord of the Rings." This is just a story and the ring doesn't really exist.
In reference to request number 466: We don't do that.
Item number 785: We don't do that either.
As I have previously stated on numerous occasions, we have access to the internet and have monitored your activities. I regret to inform you that despite your claims and representations, you are still on the "NAUGHTY" list and will receive only coal again this year.
Santa Claus