Dear Philip,
I am once again in receipt of your letters and the demands from your attorney. As I have told you before, it is pointless for you to threaten litigation in this matter as the judge has previously ruled on several occasions that he does not have jurisdiction over me nor my organization.
With regard to your request for "tha reely kool sooper dooper thingee that kan here piple telking reely fer awey.", I assume you are referring to a parabolic microphone. Unfortunately, these devices are reserved for government agencies and are unavailable for private citizens. The credentials you supplied were incorrect and you mispelled "DIRECTOR OF THE FBI."
As to item number 216: We are both unable and unwilling to infect the entire staff of KFDM with leprosy.
Item number 432 appears to be a request for the "reng frum tha Lerd iv tha Rengs." This is just a story and the ring doesn't really exist.
In reference to request number 448: We don't do that.
Item number 799: We don't do that either.
With regard to item number 2458 on your list of demands, I don't know who Gus and Sam are.
As to the last item, I'm sorry, I can't force people to respect you.
As I have previously stated on numerous occasions, I have access to the internet and have monitored your activities over the past year. I regret to inform you that despite your claims and representations, you are still on the "NAUGHTY" list and will once again receive only coal.
Sincerely,
Santa Claus
