I usually try to control my feelings but I am truly upset today.  So upset that I decided to sit down and write to you, my billions of readers, about what has got me so riled up.

Recently, Klein attorneys (AKA John Morgan) (who we don't like) filed a sworn pleading in a Jefferson County court claiming that I am Thomas Retzlaff and that I have been operating as SAM THE EAGLE for three years.  Those allegations by Klein and Klein attorneys are completely untrue.  I want to set the record straight.  I have not been making fun of Philip R. Klein, editor, for three years.  I have been making fun of Philip R. Klein, editor, for ELEVEN years.  I can think of NO ONE living or dead who needs to be made fun of more that Philip R. Klein, editor.  Second, I am not Thomas Retzlaff (never met the man); Jeff Dorrell (met him, really like him); Brent Coon (met him); Shon Hodgston (him too); Neil Harrison (was a good friend until I confessed that I was the one that use to prank call radio station when he was a DJ) Mitch Toups (yup); Beverly Parker (yup); Patrick McDermott (Really?  He's dead.  Luv his ex though.  Sweet girl and cute too---HI BE); Allen Lee (yup--major asshole--dead too); Falcon Heene (OK who is he and no fair using WIKIPEDIA?).

Keep swinging punk boy, I do so enjoy watching you chase your tail.

But alas I digress...

What truly has me upset is that I just discovered today that MARS has discontinued coconut M&Ms.  This is truly a travesty and I call upon all my readers to take a moment and email MARS candies to complain about this.

Sam T. Eagle, editor