In a breaking news story, the Sam the Eagle Political Review has learned that many Southeast Texas candidates in contested races for public office have taken their own lives in what is being called the largest mass political suicide in recent history.
"I've never seen anything like it." Said a source that didn't call the Review tonight. "They're all dead! Except one who's really, really drunk."
Late this afternoon, local private investigator Philip r. Klein, editor (who we don't like and who still hasn't found Patrick McDermott) posted his 2010 primary predictions on The Southeast Texas Political Review.
"Philip has always enjoyed playing politics. It gave him something to do when the other kids were picking on him." Said Philip's mother, Valerie Klein, in an exclusive interview with Eagle's Nest own correspondent Beavis. "It's funny though. Even in his pretend games, he never seemed to win an election."
Within minutes of the posting, local candidates started reacting to Philip's predictions of their upcoming victory.
"I don't know what happened." Said a source close to candidate Bobby Franklin's campaign that demanded anonymity. "He just started muttering....Klein....Klein...and then put the end of a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. BOOM! That was it. Boy what a mess!"
Other candidates whom Klein endorsed had similar reactions.
"I found Jamie Smith in his car with the engine running and the garage door closed." Said a caller that didn't talk to the Review. "He just couldn't take it that Klein had endorsed him."
In an examination of prior races, the Review has learned that this is not the first time that Klein has had an adverse response to his support.
"Philip Klein is the kiss of death." Said failed 2008 Presidential candidate Fred Thompson. 'If he even mentions your name...just go ahead and move to another country."
